gone
by nelljones
Summary: claudia will be growing up and artie will be getting older than time and she won't be seeing any of it and it's all your fault / post-reset. pete&myka.


title from "innocence" by the airborne toxic event

* * *

><p>you aren't quite sure how long you've been staring at the horizon<p>

a second a minute an hour maybe _(forever)_

wishing

wanting

_(waiting for her to come home)_

she won't maybe she has to she will won't she

who can tell anymore

you just keep staring and waiting and she's probably just _hundreds&hundreds&hundreds_ of miles away by now

AWAY/FROM/you

ticktockticktock

and your heart is just screaming and you can't breathe and you just want to know

_why_

why is she leaving

_(why is she __gone__)_

why is she still _everywhere_ and you just want her back

that's all

and you can't even fill your lungs without the pain of knowing

you lost her today

and you just want her to come back home

you want to see her when your eyes are open _(not just every time they're closed)_

you want all those moments you missed and you want her to stop hiding

but she's always just been this infinite ambiguity to you

did she ever even trust you

you know she still does

doesn't she

_(didn't she)_

now you just can't help but to think otherwise and there's just SOMUCHTHINKING and you should be finding her instead of second guessing yourself into oblivion

you'll find her instead

maybe when everything isn't so completely empty

_(ticktockticktockticktock)_

sometimes (you think) she doesn't let herself feel anything at all

and sometimes it's too much

she's just scared

she just needs a few days and she'll be okay right

_right_

maybe she'll listen to you when you find her

_(if you find her)_

she never listens

maybe she just doesn't care

maybe _(she NEVER did)_

you just can't care

N/O/T/A/N/Y/M/O/R/E

maybe you can talk her back home

maybe

but you didn't see the signs

and now you can just hear artie _(you didn't see them because they weren't there to see)_

weren't they always though

and leena's eyes are disappointed more every time you meet them

you're fine

not happy

_(miserable really)_

you'll be fine

you'll forget all about this

all about _her_ eventually

and everything will settle into patterns and ignore the empty places she used to fill just by being there and you're just fine

no reason to worry the others if everything is normal _(but what is normal)_

you should just go check on claudia

_(you can hear her muffled sobs behind her bedroom door that's been locked for hours&days&weeks now)_

she's so distraught

and something's so wrong

you never could've seen this coming and you're not as okay as you come off to be

_(not okay at all)_

NOTATALL

something's so wrong

and you've never been any good at lying to yourself

so you're runningrunningrunning until your chest is burning and your heart is racing and you can't stop _(won't stop) _chasing until she stops running away

you're just not letting her go

you won't

"_you're pretty when you smile"_

you can't

and there's nothing much left anymore but shattered pieces of the barriers you broke down

careful now

don't let her find out

she'll only start over again _(&again&again&again)_

only now you realize it never really mattered anyway

_(she built them up so easily you couldn't even tell until you ran face-first into one)_

and maybe it's all your fault and it hurts and will you ever be able to fix it

is there anything else you could ever want

you just want your partner back

you just want her to understand she's safe here

she will _always_ be safe here

but right now

down is up and up is down

and maybe she knew it would be like this when she decided to go because the other side of the looking glass is so empty now

she must have taken wonderland with her

you just can't stop chasing that rabbit

this could easily be the worst mistake of your life

so you're already running

_(but really you're just standing still)_

no matter how far you go she'll always be just one step ahead

just one step out of reach

and she's disappearing into the horizon and you _just can't stop_ and you think you might never think of anything else ever again

_(why didn't you tell her how absolutely AMAZING she is when you had the chance)_

she's just everywhere and you don't think it's healthy but you miss her too much and why would you ever want her gone

she's so _**beautiful**_

you never told her that

or maybe she just wasn't listening

she never listens

_(maybe that's why she left – you've always been such a waste of space)_

you're such a horrible partner

such a horrible best friend

_(just a best friend)_

she deserves so much better and maybe that's why she's leaving

because you were never enough _(and you never would be and how could you ever consider ruining this when you could never __ever__ deserve her)_

and everything is just so empty and full of nothingness and that's how everything feels now without her

like _nothingness_

and you haven't slept for days now

_(not that you would ever tell anyone but leena's watching you from the corner of her eye and artie knows everything anyway and claudia hasn't left her room because everything out here is just so empty and she's just so tired)_

and she's never going to see quite how much all of you need her

how much _you_ need her

but she never needed you and that's the important part isn't it

because she's the one who's leaving and it's all her fault

_(but it's not)_

it's all your fault

she's never going to see anything

claudia will be growing up and artie will be getting older than time and she won't be seeing any of it

and it's all your fault

_please forgive me_

she never had anything to be sorry for and it just makes you furious that she's out there alone and she doesn't have to be and it's not fair

Y/O/U D/I/E/D

she _begged_ for you to stay

"_don't leave pete don't leave"_

youcameback

and then she left

maybe the shock hasn't quite worn off yet

_(and maybe once your hands stop shaking you'll be able to pick up the pieces without breaking them)_

you just

you can't understand

she trusted you and you trusted her

until she STOPPED

and you really just don't understand how things ended up so backwards

claudia is crying and leena can't look you in the eye and you're supposed to be the strong one _(but she was __so__ strong)_ not the other way around

but you can't

you can't even take a full breath without keeling over and you can't help them and you just hated seeing her cry

_(she's so beautiful when she smiles)_

and now she left and your baby sister can't stop C*R*Y*I*N*G

_(but then again neither can you)_

and you're still staring at that horizon

watching her leave

_again&again&again_

and it never stops

and it never will

because it's over now

_(she's gone)._


End file.
